I sure am glad that 2001 is two-thousand-done. In print that looks nowhere near as clever as it sounded in my head. But that's a major theme for 2001: it seemed like a good idea at the time. Waxing philosophical (more like Patrick Swayze in Road House than Nick Nolte in The Prince of Tides) I have on occasion said that life is a series of lessons and, while we may not like the tuition fees, we should be grateful to learn. 2001 gave our hubris a hearty kick in the fork of the legs.

In no certain order (all of you who believe an author when he says "in no certain order" should contact my real estate company regarding the bridge for sale) here are some things I learned from 2001:

Work

• A domain name in the .com TLD does not make up for an idiotic business plan.
• Honesty is not a competitive advantage in the world of executive management.
• For the right amount of money, board members will rubber-stamp anything.
• Software companies with two VPs of marketing and zero VPs of engineering are in trouble.
• Nice people work for bad companies.
• Mistake not activity for achievement.

Love

• Communication in a relationship is like performance at a karaoke bar: you always think you're doing a lot better than you really are.
• You should marry your biggest fan.
• It's not the backgammon set that makes the game, but the players.
• Remember the clitoris.
• Having fun can be hard work.

Parenting

• Young children suck the life out of you.
• Young children resurrect your inner child.
• Telling someone what he wants to hear is instinctive from birth.
• Deception is a (quickly) learned trait.
• The toy is always cooler on the other side of the door.
• A source of true randomness is your child's sleep pattern.

Self

• The older I get, the weirder I realize I am.
• Respect your elders because they have probably already done the dumb thing you are about to do.
• Stupid people get old, too.
• The older I get, the stupider I realize I was.
• If your life resembles two or more TV movies, you're in trouble.
• It's impossible to take yourself too seriously when a doctor is operating on your ass.
• Who dares wins.

Michael W. Dodge is the illegitimate offspring of the unnatural coupling between Elvis and Liberace. A fifteen-year sentence in Christian schools warped his mind beyond recovery, leaving him susceptible to cross-dresser, nun, and chimp humor. He has been working in the software industry ever since being placed there by the Non-Christian Protection Program, but he really wants to direct. Send solace for his fragile ego to sarge@pobox.com.