Bam, bam, bam.
Criiiiiiish. Scraaaape. Bang.
Click, click-bam, bam, bam.
Bam!

God damn-it! What is she doing? Kate thought to herself. The upstairs neighbor was at it again. This wasn't the first time the lady upstairs had been up in the middle of the night making a racket. In fact, from what Kate could gather, whenever she was home she was making a racket, and that seem to only be in the middle of the night.

Is Jesse awake? How can he sleep through this? Kate kicked Jesse to see if he was still sleeping. Nothing. She rocked the bed a bit, sighed out loud to see if that would rouse him. She opened and strained her eyes to try to see his face across the bed in the darkness. Still nothing.

"I can't take this anymore." Kate whispered out loud. Jesse started to giggle.

"You are awake. Man, I didn't think anyone could sleep through that racket. What the heck does she do up there all night long?"

Bam, bam, bam, bam.

"I don't know."

"Is she moving furniture? How much furniture does the lady have? The place isn't that big."

"I don't know."

Bam, bam, bam, scraaaape.

"And her bam, bam, bam across the floor with her chunk-heel shoes. Why is she wearing heels at 3..." Kate couldn't get a good look at the clock because Jesse was now sitting up in bed. "... 3:47 inside her house? Does she come home and walk around in circles and trip over her furniture, then move the furniture so she can keep walking around in circles?" Jesse laughed again.

"I don't know, babe."

"Part of me is curious to see what she's doing up there. And the other part wants to go kick her ass."

"I'm interested in seeing both those parts." Jesse snickered again. He thought it was funny that Kate got so worked up about the neighbor. Truth be told, Jesse was just as exasperated by the neighbor's clunking and banging around. But a sleepy and frustrated Kate was enough to make him smile this time. His smile faded as he put his head back on his pillow. Another day of being tired, he thought. After nearly a year of sleepless nights, Jesse and Kate were both counting down the weeks they had left in the apartment until their move.

"Maybe she's a pirate. Those are her peg legs making that sound." Jesse joked.

"Yawn. Fucking pirate."

The next day

"So, that pirate thing. Do you really think she's a pirate? Mmm. Good coffee today, sweetie" Kate said looking over at Jesse in the car.

"Thanks. Maybe she works the late shift at Long John Silvers?" They exchanged glances. Smiling, Jesse said, "I don't know. Maybe she's a hooker and that's why she only wears high-heel shoes."

"How do you know hookers only wear high-heel shoes? And that doesn't make sense because hookers only work at night and she's only home at night."

"How do you know hookers only work at night? And maybe she sucks as a hooker so she's home all the time practicing her walk and moves" Jesse wiggled his hips a bit and tried to look sexy, but had to stop so he could shift into first gear at the stop sign. "At least she won't be our problem for much longer."

"Praise be to God for that. I do feel sorry for the next people in our place. Here they think they are getting a prime location. Little do they know they've got to live below the Prostituting Pirate." They were now outside Kate's office building.

"Well, have a good day, Jess." Kate got out of the car and stooped down to remind Jesse of her schedule. "We've got that deadline early tomorrow morning, so I'll be home as soon as the project is done. I'll try to be home before the pirate!"

Kate shut to door and waited to turn until Jesse gave her a little wave. He's the best, She thought.

Later

It was after midnight by the time Kate got home. She tipped the cab driver a few extra bucks because this driver had an incredibly good sob story. Kate was pondering why cab drivers always had stories when she heard that familiar sound.

Bam, bam, bam, bam.

No fucking way, she thought. It's the Goddamn pirate herself. Where is she? Even though the upstairs neighbor lady had been a disruptive part of Jesse's and her life for a while now, neither one of them had ever actually seen her.

Kate turned to face the front of the building. Damn, I can't see her face. She's too fast. But look at those shoes! The heels on those things are the tallest ... I have never seen anything so big. I wonder if all of her shoes are that tall. No wonder she's so loud. I'm surprised she doesn't put a whole in the floor with those stakes. Those can't be comfortable to walk in all the time. Maybe I should get some slippers and leave them outside her door. Her mind was racing. The sound of the cab barreling away into the night brought Kate back to reality. Kate started to walk to the building door while the neighbor was opening it, eager to tell Jesse about the shoes.

"Hey, hold that please!" Kate called out to the neighbor lady. But the neighbor lady slipped in and let the door shut behind her.

Ahrr. She did that on purpose. Kate's feeling of victory for getting a good look at the shoes turned to defeat. Stupid shoe lady.

Kate had a great time telling Jesse about her encounter with the Prostituting Pirate.

"I think she's got to be a hooker. No one's got shoes like that!"

"Maybe she's a vampire slayer and uses the shoes as weapons!"

They exchanged ideas about what other types of jobs she might hold while she stomped around in the apartment above them. They laughed and acted out her stomping and banging into things. At one point Kate tried to move the bed to hear the sound it made. Maybe the upstairs lady included that in her repertoire of noise. But it was too heavy.

"You know, I have an idea," Kate said as she plopped onto the bed after its unsuccessful move. "I just don't think it's fair that the next person in this apartment has to listen to this."

"What do you propose, Kate?"

"Revenge."

"Knock her off?"

"No, no. Nothing like that. I've been thinking. Those shoes."

"Yah?"

"We've got to knock off her shoes."

Jesse looked at Kate a little surprised, but then his expression turned to intrigue.

"I like it. Go on."

"Well, we sneak into her place when she's not there."

"Ok, so in the day time." Jesse joked.

"Then we go through her closets and find all of her shoes."

"Uh, huh. I'm following"

"We take the heels off all of her shoes! Hack them off, break them off, screw them off, whatever it takes. Boots, pumps, clogs, well, not sure you can take off clog heels, but whatever we find, we can take a shot at it."

"Great. I'm in! What a fun little game. When do we strike?" Jesse said in a half joking, but half serious way."

"The day we move out."

Moving day

The day arrived and Kate couldn't figure out what she was more excited about, moving out or removing the heels of her upstairs neighbor's shoes. Likely, it was the shoes.

With the truck all packed and ready to roll out, Jesse and Kate turned to the building one last time. They took a look at each other and smiled.

"You know, we could get in trouble for this. Bad trouble." Kate said, looking to see whether Jesse wanted to proceed with the plan. Jesse pulled out two pairs of latex gloves and shook his head.

"No prints."

"Brilliant!"

Kate and Jesse managed to pop the lock on the neighbor's door easily.

"Let's make sure our new house has really strong locks," he said. Kate nodded silently and looked around to make sure no one could see them. They walked in quietly and started looking for shoes.

"No shoes in the entry way. No shoes in the living room."

"Shhh." Kate whispered. "Let's do without the play-by-play." They made their way to the bedroom.

"Ah, the Holy Land" Jesse whispered. It was amazing. Every single shoe in her closet was paired up, lined up, and tall as hell. "Let's get to it!"

Jesse and Kate took out a screw driver, a bottle opener, and a mini-saw and got to work. They remained silent during this portion of their mission. They popped off spiky stilettos with the bottle opener. They unscrewed chunky pumps, and they sawed off the rest. It was beautiful.

When they were done, they made sure to put the shoes back on top of each heel so it wouldn't look like they were removed. Kate even rubber cemented a few pairs on so they'd fall off after a few steps. They brushed the saw dust into the cracks in the wood floors, then made their way back out to the street.

When they got into the moving truck, they took off their gloves and finally broke their silence.

"Operation 'Pirate Booty' a success." Jesse joked.

"Let's get the hell out of here." Kate replied with a huge grin on her face. "That was awesome."

Jesse turned the key in the ignition of the truck, while Kate removed something from her pocket and strung it around the rear view mirror. It was one of the heels from a shoe. As it swung back and forth, Kate and Jesse smiled together and thought about the upcoming night of silence.